Hello again friends! Today I wanted to talk a little bit about our blended family. If you are new to my page you may not know but we are a family of 8. When we got together Trace had 3 kids, and I had 2 biological kids and after a while we added to the family having our youngest.
Having been a step-mom before I was familiar with the problems that can arise from this family dynamic. As did Trace as his ex was a stepmom to his oldest daughter. So today I wanted to let you know what we learned the hard way in hopes to help others avoid the mistakes that we made the first time around.
The couples views and beliefs
Though Trace and I knew each other previously we still spent a lot of time getting to know the parenting side of each of us. Beliefs that went beyond just daily parenting. Religious beliefs, political views, morals that we have that we would be instilling to our children.
*Religious Beliefs
We learned quickly in our conversations that we are very alike! This was very exciting for us having come out of relationships with people very opposite of us. We could talk all night (and we have on many occasions) about anything and everything. We talk about our faith and ask each other questions and challenge each other in the best possible ways.
Having a shared faith is vital to bringing a family together in my opinion. Trying to mix two beliefs together usually leads to the kids following one parent’s beliefs.
*Political Views
We talk bout our political views, which I will not put much about on here as that can be a very controversial topic. But I will say that we agree whole heartedly on those aspects as well. I feel like this is an important one that gets looked over.
Maybe because we can easily be friends with people that have different political views. However when it comes to having a family with someone and you know that both of you have different views, it can be very confusing for the kids that you are raising together. So no matter what your political beliefs are you should look for a partner that shares those beliefs, even more so if you are blending your family together.
Remember you are bringing this person home to help raise your kids. You want to make sure that you agree with the views that they will potentially be instilling in your children.
*Morals for Parenting
Now when it comes to morals and how we raise our kids. Again we had countless long conversations about what we want for our children and how we might handle different situations. An example would be how we plan to guide them through peer pressure as we have one in high school and another in junior high.
Our kids are very comfortable talking to the “step-parent” about school problems and personal issues. I could not have asked for a better bonus dad for my kids. He is everything I am looking for in a perfect partner. Some one to kick life in the teeth forever!
Who your Partner is as a parent
Every day I watch my husband care for our children and it melts my heart! When we started talking about our life as parents we both agreed that there is nothing more attractive than watching your partner be a good parent. I could watch my husband with our kids all day. I could tell just by the way he talked about his kids and the things he would do with them.
He believed in spending one on one time with each kid. Doing something special for each of them. Having quality time as a family is so important to us both. Also knowing the roles we play in the house as a whole. My husband is the head of our house and I work to control the choas in our house with his guidance and support. His role aslo includes making sure that I am respected as the mother of the house.
These are the roles we are comfortable with and believe in for our family. My suggestion is to have the conversation about what role does this partner see themselves in? Are they inline with the role that you and your kids need?
Relationship of the kids with each other
We slowly started introducing our kids to each other, then started bringing the kids around each other. Luckily for us all our girls are close in age and were into the same things. So really they immediately hit it off playing games together. They boys were also very close in age at just 1 year apart. So again they came together easily.
Now I am not saying that it is all sunshine and rainbows, far from it. They fight like true siblings and make up just as quickly. One second they are ratting each other out and then next minute they are playing games together again. We encourage them to stick up for themselves against each other as needed and we intervene as needed.
Dealing with the Ex’s
Ok so now this can sometimes be the tricky part. Lets be real, most ex’s are not out to make our lives easier. But if at the very least you are able to keep the ex separate from your new partner, that is a good start. In my first marriage I had to do nearly all the communicating with my step daughters mom. She was not an easy person to deal with and I felt like my first husband did not defend me enough to her.
When Trace and I got together I made it a point not to get involved with the kids mothers. I really didn’t have to do anything because Trace took care of all of this on his own. He coordinates the scheduling for the kids. He includes me in decisions without me being in the middle at all. It was a huge relief to me that he was so capable of taking care of these things on his own.
Now likewise with my ex I do not expect my husband to talk to him about any schedule changes and such. However since we live very close to him and our kids do sports on occasion we do see each other while out. Luckily things have been very amicable.
I realize that is not always easy to manage, but if you at least keep your partner from being stuck in the middle it can make things much smoother. It helps keep everyone in their lane. I have been on the other side of that as well, my ex husband re married and had his 2nd wife doing all the communication with me about our kids and though I was able to make that work for the time, they got a divorce and you have to start all over.
Thank you for coming!
I know this was an unusual post, but I feel like I have a little wisdom to share on this. Not sure if I will continue this type of content, let me know what you all think! Next up I might be doing some home renovations! Go kick life in the teeth!
